She had left the city for a while now and the motorway merged into a less wide and more isolated country road with seemingly no end. It was opening up wide in front of her and all she could see was a silver lining, a big empty space she was determined to conquer. She felt she was alone now on that road. But she didn’t mind, she always liked her own company. So she was driving on with destination UNKNOWN.
It must have been written on her forehead, her brow as he used to choose his words. Carefully. Correct. Of course. You don’t just blabber words out as you feel. Nope you don’t. You choose your words wisely. And keep your standard. WHAT BULLSHIT! While holding the cool wood of her specially designed steering wheel of the specially designed convertible, a present by him of course, she felt she wanted to scream. Specially designed. Another Bullshit. Who wants that? Scream. Thats what SHE wanted. Oh yay Baby bring it on.
And she lifted herself slightly out of her car seat, which was not so easy while driving, but she dared anyway. So holding very tight to the steering wheel that the knuckles of her hands almost turned white, she just did it. BUULLLSSSHIIIIT! And again. BULLLSHHIIITT! A red shiny car passed her on the driver site with a wanna be yuppy screaming out of his window! “What the fuck are you doing? Are you crazy? Sit the fuck down!” and racing past her. Ok no yuppy more the redneck type, she thought while screaming back to him ” Shut the fuck up! Asshole!” She giggled and while sitting down again she burst into laughter. How she enjoyed using that language. It made her feel so alive. She laughed and laughed and had to pace herself as she nearly slid out of lane with her specially designed Convertible. It felt so good. She started to fumble around on her designer MANUAL radio in her car. Who the fuck would design a MANUAL radio in a a car like that? Fuck that! Another swear word she hissed out and she nearly felt liberated. And then a scruffy manly voice of a country singer she had never heard of, blurred out of a station she had found and she started more or less tune in. And felt fabulous!
She slowed down a bit and put down her windows she had left up with the specially designed window levers. It was getting warmer and the air felt now soft on her skin.
A feeling she had missed for quite a while. She indulged it and closed her eyes for a second. Oh shit. She nearly got off the lane. Again. Pulling her car around, she threw her head around to see if there was any car or driver who again could shake his head about her style of driving. She sniggered to herself.
There were nothing than open plains on each side of the road covered in wide grassland and some occasional bush and trees and she drove her car onto the side of the road into the dust. Coughing by the dirt swirling up she brought the car to a halt.
After opening her door and peeling herself out of the Convertible, she stretched out her stiff limbs accompanied with a big sigh which was surely heard everywhere. IF there would be an everywhere.
She looked around and except a few cars here and there driving by, the road seemed deserted. And it was so quiet. Something she really enjoyed right now after where she came from.
She let herself fall back into the drivers seat with her feet in her favourite brown of course Designer leather boots on the ground. Tiredness came over her, more exhaustion, being worn out. “WTF happened here, where am I, WTF am I doing?” she started questioning herself. Again the swearing and she smirked. Then a weird kind of emotion creeped in. Awake she would describe it. Exhausted but eyes wide open. She couldn’t remember a time she had last felt like that.
All descriptions which popped in her mind of where she came from, was trapped, careful, good girl, specially designed of course. And now she was sitting here on the side of a deserted country road, her boots on her feet which had become quite dusty with the dirt, OH NO! Suddenly she got up on her feet. She laughed and started jumping on the spot. Then she began rubbing her boots all over with the road dirt until they were covered nearly entirely with dust. Oh yea oh yea, shouting out loud dragging her boots in the dirt until she was satisfied. And she was.
She felt divided. There was the good girl, which did what was expected of her and her specially designed life and the woman standing here in the dust, her hair for once not tied up neatly but let down and her brown curls had gone into a life of their own. She shook her head and brushed with her fingers through it, she always had loved her hair. Sitting down again she looked around. The country singer was still moaning his long lost love and she reached towards the radio and turned it off. Silence. Something she didn’t like before really, she avoided. Always friends around, or activities like going to the theatres, invitations, some kind of event. And a good looking well educated man by her side. Her family was SO proud of her and her so called friends and colleagues at work envied her. She knew it. They didn’t have to say it. It was obvious. Money, a handsome man who JUST had proposed to her, a house specially designed and short trips to London, Paris and yearly holidays to Dubai and Marrakech. Who wouldn’t like THAT?
She never talked about that empty feeling she couldn’t really put her fingers on. And its not so easy to change something. In general and even worse when you get so much approval and praise about your life. You simply don’t.
And then Jack’s proposal. Staged of course. Like everything he did. It WAS romantic she couldn’t deny that but all she remembered was the racing in her chest. The sense her heart blocking her breathing, feeling suffocated.
She coughed. So real was the memory.
He was fantastic. Loving, caring, romantic, WELL OFF, all which would make a dating profile absolutely fantastic. And with his successful job it would be sure that she would NOT marry in a rag. But a designer dress every girl is dreaming about.
She loved him. Yea she did. But you do not DREAM of a Ranch wedding – IF wedding at all – in rugged boots, a wide colourful skirt in the middle of nowhere. You don’t. Not with that family background Jack and she grew up.
The air started to get sticky and she felt sweat dropping down her forehead. Was it the heat or the idea or not idea what she was doing and even more where she was heading.
She took off her cardigan and there it was.
The Wedding dress. White, well not so white anymore, simple cut, svarovski crystals all over the fabric and the little sleeves over her shoulder. And unbelievable uncomfortable. Well she had her boots on. That was the most comfortable part of it.
And slowly it dawned on her what happened. It came back to her in shattered pieces.
The living room in her apartment in the city. The best friend. Well the best friend who was absolutely supportive and encouraged her to marry Jack. And the friend who was all over: ” awwww oh myyyy you look stunning!” And herself standing in front of the mirror and looking at herself. Or a person she should know very well. The feeling to faint any minute. If she didn’t get out of here. And the hasty, jerky movements in a state of numbness while going back to her bedroom and taking her backpack out of the wardrobe and stuffing her favourite washed out Jeans, the T-shirt with the colourful print on it and a few other small things in it.
And on the way out, slipping in her brown Designer boots which were thrown in the middle of the way out of excitement of the fabulous Wedding dress and grabbing her cardigan from over the back of the chair. The piercing scream of her best friend was still echoing in her ears:” What are you doing, where are you going?” grabbing the door handle and looking back to her friend “ I don’t know Claire. I don’t know!” opening the door, mumbling :” I don’t know, no idea!” and closing it behind her. All she remembered was her friend shouting out of the apartment door :” Sera, Sera, come back, Sera!” Pressing the button of the lift and waiting for it to arrive, she felt like being out of her body, like something out there was controlling her. And even stepping into her car felt unreal and only driving on the first minutes she started coming back to herself.
And there she was. Sitting in her dusted Wedding dress which felt like a foreign object on her skin. She grabbed the backpack on the backseat and opened the zip. With a short glance around for passing cars she awkwardly started to change. The dress was so tight. Who could even stand in a dress like that for a minute. So she ripped the last inches of the dress over her boots until it was off. She looked at it. The Designer dress very not specially designed muddled next to her on the passenger seat. The feeling of absolute relief took over when she pulled up her washed out Jeans and slipped in her favourite T-shirt with the print on it. So light, so herself.
Then she sat back in her seat, relaxed and very calm. She took a deep breath , threw the empty backpack on the backseat and started the car.
One glance back, road free and she stepped on the gas.
Tears rolled down her cheek when she grabbed the dress and just threw it out of the window and seeing the huge fabric flying through the air and landing behind her on the side of the road.
She had no idea where she was going?
No she knew exactly where.