I dont know why that comes into mind while starting my first blog for the New Year. New Year, fears, hopes, daring to put one foot in front of the other. Maybe direction of settling?
What does that mean? Settling, sitting down, making yourself comfortable in a place, a spot where you don’t want to leave anymore? Getting bigger, round, one with the place I chose to be.
Settling. Settling for. Settling in. Settling down.
What? Is it a negative something with a kind of unfavourable meaning to the word? I always talk about settling, settling down accompanied with the description of being tired. Tiredness of the gypsy lifestyle I have been living for so long. Moving to one place, calling it my new home, this is it now. Then the itching kicks in. Usually about a year or sometimes even only 6 months. Questions pop up in my mind, or is it the little nagging voice of my soul? This is it? For now or forever? What does forever mean? Unpacking, putting things on its supposedly right place and not moving anymore? Getting together with the “settled” people who live there forever? Born and bread here. Is it that – that is NOT ME or do I not give myself the time to give it a chance as they say? I don’t know what it is, exactly what it is. Yet.
I keep moving. From Germany, around Germany, to Greece and back to Germany. Another attempt to leave the stricken Germany which seems to be full of rules and no humanity. No soul. And I am born and bread there. Doesn’t suit me, I feel out of place. Like always. Out of place. What does that mean? Back to Greece, around Greece and ending up in the second largest city at the Mediterranean Sea. I loved it. A dream I carried all my young years in my soul, deep in my soul.
Gotten planted by my father who was a cosmopolite, who loved foreign countries and now after his death I feel he must have felt out of place as well. My deep belief, that he died due to that. As in these years my father was young and later on even,the YOU HAVE TO or the YOU SHOULD was very strong. And not even shakeable at all. He died with that. Because of that. Stricken in Rules he had to fulfil to become “successful”. The successful professor, teaching his love of the ancient Greece and Italy and other cultures, HAD to have a family. A house, a family, children, churchloving life. I remember my father, which deep inside I so admired, unhappy. Unhappiness then didn’t show in Depression, not in his position. It showed with lack of presence in his own home and aggression. And sickness. I always remember him sick or suffering of something. Always the stomach. The psychical spot for unhappiness. He was desperate, his soul screamed and he could not allow it to show, so he beat on it. Especially on me, we were so kindred spirits and related souls. He died due to a life his soul never meant to live. He died because of settling. The settling for expectations, to be “someone”.
I loved the warmth, the loudness, the messy rubbished greek city with its smudgy white tower in the centre. I am home, my soul is home. I am settling. I don’t feel out of place anymore. Nope. I am moving. Again. This time it took a bit longer. But still. My soul has other plans. This time I feel a greater power, a force takes me by the hand. It leads me to a place I have never been before. A place which I hardly could even locate on the map. The small green splash next to England. You cant hardly see it from a big distance. Never been there. Ireland. Never having had any drag or interest for this place. I get put there, destiny, lets call it like that, shoves me off the plane on a grey January evening. With my then husband, loads of huge bulky bags with all our belongings and filled with hopes for a good life up to under the rim. We are settling. Now. It is night when we arrive in Dublin and stay at a friends tiny apartment in Gardiner Street. There is no more centre than that place. After our first night on the floor in the small living room on an inflatable mattress and all our belongings surrounding us, we get up. Having breakfast and opening the door for the very first time. Getting out on the pavement which is filled with people and walking towards the Dart Station.
I will always always remember that feeling which came so fiercely, nearly unbearable over me. Covered my whole ME like a warm oversized coat.I AM HOME. HOME. Settling again. I fell in love.
8 years later and after a few drastic and deep reaching experiences I am here. In a country, I have learnt to love so deeply. Ireland. And right now Kerry, surrounded and embraced by the wild Atlantic and the massive sometimes menacing Mc Gillicuddy Reeks. Started from Dublin, Lucan, Tralee and now Killorglin. You see, moving again, even in Ireland. To this day I have counted my moves, 21 it is til now where I live today. Also here in Kerry, I tried to move, to run, to leave. Doesn’t work. Nope this time it doesn’t seem to work. Almost 4 years in Killorglin, nearly 5 in Kerry and I am still here. Seems to stay like that. Oh god I am settling?
Well my annual astrological forecast predicts good old Neptune strongly on my sun. Which means Sun is the personality, Neptune stands for confusion, letting go, subordinate under a higher power. No running, packing, but feeling, getting aware and staying instead. Settling. Neptune doesn’t know Mercy, either you follow or you stay behind. No staying behind for me. Nope. So I learn, keep on moving, keep on walking where I have to be, have to go, into my personal direction.
Is settling on the way? People settle for all kind of reasons. Family Ties, Responsibilities, many for Reasons of being Scared to move or lacking courage. Everyone has his/her own reasons.
Me? I don’t know yet. If my time has come. I only feel a very strong urge having raised from the “old year” – I only know ONE thing for sure:
I REFUSE TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN …..BUTTERFLIES OF THE SOUL!