How could I want more...


How could I want more?

Her back was sore and she wiped her face with the corner of her sleeve. For goodness sake how often had she done that . “I must be mad, totally mad!” she hissed to herself, while the big brown cardboard box was cutting into her waist. Ouch, one stretch too much, the box went into a dive and the content scattered all over her new driveway. Of course it was not the one with the scarves and hats, but the one with the big black letters on it KITCHEN.

The noise of cluttering metal bowls, dozens of knives and forks and all kind of small things she didn’t even remember she had packed, must have been heard over the whole estate. Oh THERE is the wine pluck with the rocking handmade face she once inherited and she jumped to it to pick it up. Jeez, the peeking faces which appeared behind the curtains must be so happy to have me as a neighbour she rolled her eyes at herself. And turned around, putting a plastic smile on her face and waving with the wine plug which must have looked like – better not to go into too much detail about that one.

“Come on Lady!” she heard a painful voice behind her. “ We don’t have all day!” The tall man with the broad shoulders nearly shoved the small edgy table into her back.

“Ya ya!” she moaned, jumped to the side and started picking up all the far flung pieces from the concrete. The guy and his helper squeezed themselves past her into the house and yelled out:” Lady where do you want that?” Where the heck would she know, she just tried to pick out pieces out of the grass part and a ”Just put it in one of the rooms!” was her annoyed reply. Having thrown all the items back into the box which of course with the dive had torn up, she dragged that bulky thing through the hallway into the kitchen.

“Never again!” she told herself sternly and kicking the box in the corner of the room. “Never again! Ya ok!” It was like the inner voice taking shape and stepping out of her body. You said that now… how often? 12 times or was it 15?”

She didn’t know wether to laugh or cry.

Looking around didn’t make her feel any better. The last tenant must have looooooved cleaning. She was surprised that the spiders didn’t jump on her while having a closer look into the corners. She didn’t even dare to touch the oven door and find out what life would be found in there. The floor tiles were ripped in some parts and she was afraid to put anything on the kitchen table just in case it would break. She let out a deep sigh. “Lady!” Again that friendly voice of the even friendlier guy. “Are you having a cup of tea? Good woman you can make us one too! With only a drop of milk!” The two lads had a great laugh.” You gotta tell us where to leave the stuff !”- “ We cant read your mind you know, and we don’t have all day!” ” Just put it in the rooms pleeaase!” She could not take anymore. This kitchen and those hired guys. Gotta love the 80 Euro you overspent on people who promised you friendly effective and fast service. Well fast it was by the sound how they just threw the stuff in the middle of the rooms. Bloody 80 Euro. Well she didn’t have a choice. She had to leave and there were not many alternatives. Otherwise she would have not chosen THAT crib, thats for sure.

Nope she confirmed to herself while nearly tripping over a small nail sticking out of the floor in the hallway on the way out. Now she had tears in her eyes.

It had taken forever she felt, when she finally flopped into the well used, tasteful red couch with the blue faded flowers on it. Her cat didn’t mind. She sniffed around the sofa, tapped on the matching flowery carpet and peed on it. Then she jumped on the couch and pressed her warm body on her humans sore side.

There she was. Hanging in the lovely sofa, her cat cuddled up to her, totally broke, mess all over the place but at least the bottle of wine was full. Well almost. And who needs a glass.

She had made it. She got away. Scared and a bit tattered but in one piece. Ok that new home was not even CLOSE to her dreams of wide green pastures in a countryside untouched. A small cosy farmhouse with a small stable on the grounds for the animals she always wanted to take in. The life on a ranch, that was her dreams since her childhood. Freedom. She didn’t know how many times a day she spelled this word which promised her the peace she craved for so long. She rubbed her cheek. The colour had faded in less painful blueish red now. It still hurt. Also the chapped lip hurt with every sip of that deep red liquid she indulged right now.

He was THE person, THE man you could make it happen with. The person she planned to settle with. After moving so many times, travelling, all over the place, all around countries. And many more guilt tinted phone calls to her mother.

Everybody seemed relieved that she finally came to her senses and so she just stayed. Made herself comfortable as much as she could. It wasn’t so bad. The swings towards her didn’t start right in the beginning. They also had good times, a few at least. And then he only got angry when she had some of her moods. Thats how he called it. But you can hide your inner misery only so long. Lying to your own self is not easy. And her well set cover broke up here and there. And then it happened. His anger hit her full blast. She never thought it could happen to her. But it did. She sighed and touched her fingertips carefully over her cheek again. Ouch, it still hurt. And inside too.

She took another sip of her almost empty bottle. She wondered if the neighbours were able to catch a sight of her with her wine bottle at her lips. Their favourite new neighbour with the kitchen utensils in the garden. Also an alcoholic! Yay! Being so exhausted she forgot to close the curtains. She was not able to reach them anyway with all the cardboard boxes in front of it. And thank god the little lamp she had found in the corner of that small living room lit the room only slightly – so no they wouldn’t be able to get a glance of her.

She let herself fall back into the big cushions of the couch and felt the sting in her back again. She felt drained. Organising the getaway, arranging people who would make her move possible without him noticing it, actually moving out in the dusk of day and all that within such a short time. Of course she had not much choice either. It was too short even to look at places. The only thing on her mind was GO. GO NOW. So lucky enough that this landlord rented her that small house without even having seen his new tenant. And when she looked at the curtains which danced in the draft of the living room window, she knew why. Well the rent was just as much as she could afford right now and that was the most important for him anyway. Settle how that sounded. Since she could remember she admired Gypsies. All her life. Living in a wagon, travelling from one place to another and doing odd jobs like busking in the road or doing their thing in a wandering circus. “Jesus child, grow up!” she heard the teacher like voice of her mum in her head. “ One day you GOT to settle. Your not the youngest anymore you know!” Accompanied with the wide open eyes always giving her a sharp sting in her chest. She tried it. Not only that once. How many times did she move in and out after a short time? She tried to count and after a dozen times she gave up. Another sip of the wine. She wished she had some music but who knew where the stereo was hiding in one of the many boxes around. Misty the cat stretched her long legs and yawned wide so you could see her little sharp teeth. Then the kitty turned halfway on her back and sprawled her legs out on her humans lap. The human smiled and gave her a long soft stroke on her silky black and white belly. Gypsies also always had cats and she too adored these wonderful mysterious creatures. Another stroke on Mistys belly and the cat twitched fast and bit her owner in her hand. Ouch, she complained giggling and the tabby jumped up and made herself comfortable on the highest box at the window. Humans tzzz…

Where would she start now? She moved here into that well Deluxe place but at least she could afford the rent. She didn’t know anybody here, no friends, no family and worst no job. Don’t talk about savings as these did not exist. With a small sip of the deep red Rioja, she calculated in her head how long her money would last. Well that didn’t take very long. A few months maybe?

She didn’t take much when she left. A few kitchen utensils of course as everybody could hear before, clothes, personal belongings, her laptop and very few pieces which she felt were close to her heart. And the last money the ATM was willing to spit out.

She tried to not let the worry roll over her now.

In the worst case she could sell some of her things just to get by for the time being.

She looked at the edgy small table the guys almost had shoved in her back before. It was a nice piece she once had inherited from her aunt. Always loved and cherished by her and now she was willing to give it away? Really?

It did not fit in this room that was sure. The house was small and the rooms did not have much space.

This small cherrywood table with the little drawer in the front and the beautiful carvings could bridge her over until she would find a job. Or get her another month of rent. Or most of it. There was a sharp pinch in her stomach.

Suddenly that huge urge came over her like a warm soft blanket. A feeling she absolutely didn’t expect. In one split second things became very clear. It was like a flash of light breaking into the dullness of her living room.

Getting rid of absolutely everything. A smile crept over her face. The feeling of worry and darkness and desperation just swept away and feeling of lightness unfolded over her. The song I BELIEVE I CAN FLY came into her head. Suddenly she started laughing. Loud and deep from the heart. It was almost that she laughed off all her pain, her past and she laughed herself into a new space. A space full of hope, full of excitement and into a new life. Wherever that would be.

And with the last sip of her bottle her tears flew and something in her soul folded over her. She had arrived.

What could I want more…

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